So this year I decided to spend these forty days working on myself. This may sound selfish to some, but I feel God telling me that I need to work on myself, before I start asking for others to be helped. On Ash Wednesday, I wrote on the first facet of myself... I am a woman. Yesterday, I wrote on myself as a wife. I don't think that I consist of 40 roles (or facets), so chances are I will be returning to these roles again and again, during the Lenten season.
Today, I want to delve into the world of being a mommy (mama, mom, mother, momma etc). This is going to be a hard one for me, because I am starting to feel like God made a mistake when he gave me my three wonderful kids. There is no doubt that I love my children and would go to the ends of the earth for them, but lately I have just been wanting them to leave me alone and go bug someone else. That is not what God meant when he created the role of motherhood!
Psalm 127:3-5 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them,
They shall not be ashamed.
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Reading this, I ponder... why am I being rewarded with children? What does God see in me that I am unable to see myself? I am selfish and I love my solitude, so why would God give me children?
It is funny how my thinking has changed over the years... when I first held my oldest child, Caleb James for the first time, I marvelled at how miraculous he was. How through God's love for me, my husband and I had created a new being, totally dependent on his mommy. When my second child was born, just over 16 months later, I again was elated at the wonders of creation. However, this time it was short lived and I became overwhelmed by caring for my house, my husband and two little precious children. Eventually the overwhelming feelings subsided, although I did need some medical attention to feel normal. When my middle child, Corissa was only 14 months old, I discovered that God was again blessing us with another child. Cassie was born 5 weeks premature, but ready to fight anyone who stood in her way. If I thought I was overwhelmed by 2 children, there is not a word to describe how I felt when Cassie was born. It was all I could do to stay afloat and not feel like I was constantly drowning.
My house was always filthy, meals weren't always up to my husband's standards, but at least the children were content. I on the other hand, was a raving lunatic... some days, I feel that things are getting better and then other days, I feel like running away and joining a convent! To top it all off, I have taken on a full-time evening job to help supplement the family income! So I am a mommy and an employee!
Today, as I was thinking and praying about what to write, the Lord urged me to look up passages on mothering, motherhood etc. and study them. While I was looking for a passage I came across a little footnote in my women's bible. It was entitled "Motherhood: A Noble Ministry".
That got me pondering... how do I view myself as a mother? Do I go through my daily activities with my children, because it is a job that God has asked me to do? Or do I see everything that I do with my children as a part of a ministry?
I know one thing is for sure... I have never looked at motherhood as a ministry! I always think about the things that I have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice for my children... but doesn't ministry sometimes call for us to make some sacrifices? I love each one of my children with an unconditional love and as each child is unique, I often find that I have to find different ways to show each child how much I love them.
Caleb sees love in what he is able to give to me and what he is able to get from me.
- He sees me as loving him when I willingly give up half of my burger because he is still hungry... even though I am starving!
- When I take interest in a picture he has drawn or a building he has constructed out of K-Nex.
- When he makes me a card and I lovingly accept the card... he sees mommy as loving him. But if I don't spend enough time analyzing the card, then he tells me that I do not love him.
Corissa is my little diva princess and love to her revolves around being treated like a princess.
- Putting tonnes of "pretties" in her hair every morning, even if we are running late and risk getting to school on time.
- Tolerating her desire to change her clothes 50 times a day and marvel at all of the creations that she designs with her clothes.
Cassie is the simplest one of my children to show love to.
- Rocking her in the rocking chair for hours on end, just because she wants a hug.
- Allowing her to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed all night (I don't think I have had a complete night's sleep in 2 years... I never realized how much children toss and turn in their beds).
- Reading the same story over and over again and not asking her to pick out another book because mommy is sick of that particular book.
Looking over the above makes me realize that "yes" I am making a sacrifice: sleep, privacy, food and "pretties" to put in my own hair, but the rewards are oh so worth it! Constant hugs from my children are worth more to me than having a clean house or making myself rested.
I talk to my children frequently about Jesus and we pray throughout the day together, so I know that they are aware that Jesus loves them. I pray that God would give me the knowledge to take the next step and make Jesus more a part of our everyday lives.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7
"And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."
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